A Little Update

WOW! It's been forever since i got on here. i got on the other day to read some of my old quotes and its amazing how much i have changed since then. how much i've grown and been hurt and just plain transformed i guess. I'm having such a hard time right now. it's been a while since i've felt like this... depressed, hopeless, lonely, scared, weak... it's not a good feeling. no one likes to feel this way. but i've learned throughout my life that i'm gonna have rough patches, thats what life is about, but it's getting through these rough patches that makes us who we are. Thats how we find out who we want to become. You just have to be ready to take on the things that come your way. Sometimes you'll be unprepared... sometimes you won't feel as though you can handle things. But, thats when u realize that there are other people going through the same things as you are. People are there for you who have more experience in some areas that can always help you out. You are never truly alone.

after my gram died a few years ago, i decided that i wouldn't be so close to anyone ever again. I have built up a wall.. a wall that is near impenatrable.A wall that will never come crashing down. i find that the less i think about her everyday the easier it is to move on... i'm not good at mourning... it's too painful. You have to learn to control your feelings sometimes in order to remain "normal" (i don't believe that people have a true normal... just things) i try to keep my feelings hidden about my gram... i try not to think about it. it's not that i quit loving her when she died... its just that i'm the kind of person who in order to keep living, has to push aside things that others may feel the need to dwell on. Every so often i find that i have to get my emotions out... and i need to cry with some1.. i find the need to disguise my real need to cry with a pitiful reason... like not feeling important, or just having a break-down. its so hard for me to talk about her.. my mom brings her up constantly... but she has no idea how painful it is for me everytime she says her name. but she needs to vent to someone too... so i let her talk about everything to me. i'm her shoulder to cry on... her rock... as she is mine. but she will never understand how painful it is thinking about my gram.

my parents dont love each other. its as simple as that. theres no need for them to stay together, but they do... mainly because my mom cant afford to live on her own... to take care of herself... i'll be goin to college soon so i guess we'll see what happens between them when i leave. i find that love fades through the years... and that people change and eventually just live as friends for the fear of being alone is too great to bear. i agree with them... being lonely is a horrible feeling... however, people have ot go through things alone sometimes  in order to learn and grow on their own. i dont want my mom to be alone... but i feel that she would be better off away from my father because he is a royal pain in the ass and is worth nothing more that a punch in the face... if that.

that is my ranting for the time being... survivor is on... stay classy!!! =)